VT SW: Attack of the Clones
by Ek01
Summary: Ne’zzakin, now a teenager, must choose a side in fighting this Great Galactic War.
1. Prologue

There is unrest in the Galactic Senate. Several thousand solar systems have declared their intentions to leave the Republic.

This Separatist movement, under the leadership of the mysterious Count Sudoku, has made it difficult for the limited number of Jedi Knights to maintain peace and order in the galaxy.

Senator Amidala, the former Queen of Naboo, is returning to the Galactic Senate to vote on the critical issue of creating an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC to assist the overwhelmed Jedi...

——————————-

All was quiet at the galactic senate summit.

People walked back and forth, focusing on the very serious vote that was about to occur.

A massive explosion could be seen at that moment, then, everyone ran out of the area where the voting was being held.

"WHERE'S THE QUEEN?!" Someone exclaimed. "WHERE'S THE QUEEEEEEEEEEEEN?!"

Just then, a handmaiden was being rolled out onto a space gurney by multiple attendants. She had a very large gash in the middle of her body, and was very much in pain.

Everyone else thought she was the queen, but thanks to the foolproof disguise plan of the real queen Amidala-Naberry, she was not.

The Queen—the REAL queen removed her veil and looked at the poor handmaiden who had given her life.

"Cordé..." she spoke. "I failed you."

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan and N'ezzakin (who was now a teenager) watched the tragedy take place.

"Well, it's a good thing she's free for dinner..." N'ezzakin said.

Obi raised an eyebrow, and N'ezzakin pulled out a comb and brushed back his sexy, blonde hair.

"...cause LOVE is on the menu!" N'ez replied with a massive smile.


	2. The Date

"I fell in love

And I didn't want to do it 'cause of you

But your love wasn't true

You try to hide that (silver) stone appearance"

Ne'zzakin and Padmé began their date by having a nice picnic on Naboo. They laughed and chatted for a while, looking at the beautiful, lush greenery that made up the planet.

"So, how's it going on Tatooine?" Padmé asked.

Ne'zzakin suddenly became rather angry, he was thinking about something.

"...I hate the sand." Ne'zzakin said. "It's coarse and rough, and it gets everywhere..."

"Well...that's an odd thing to say.." Padmé said.

"And the lies, those other lies

You'll give your love to anyone who as, yes you do

And I know that it's true"

The next thing that they did was take a calming boat ride along Lake Naboo. Padmé smiled and laughed along with Ne'zzakin after a fish spat water at them.

"Oh, this is just lovely..." Padmé sighed. "When I was a little girl, the handmaidens would take the family yacht out on the lake, and I would pick water lillies..."

"But still I care

And I want to see you there

When I need, yes indeed you are"

Meanwhile, out on the lake, Archie-p0 and R2 pea2 were paddling a cardboard box across with nothing but a spatula. Ne'z stopped listening to Padmé for a second to look over at the two droids.

"Hey Arch, over here!" Ne'z called.

"Master Ne'zzakin!" Arch called. He began to paddle closer to Bob. "What do you think of my new plating?"

"Is that GOLD?!" Ne'zzakin exclaimed.

"Why, it most certainly is! By the way, what are you doing with Miss Padmé?" Arch asked.

"I'm taking her out courting!" Ne'z exclaimed. "You know, like, "froggy went a courtin' and he did ride, somethin' somethin'—" the point is, I'm in—"

"NE'ZZAKIN! You can't just—" Arch started.

"It's a free planet, Arch." Ne'zzakin replied. "I could marry a hutt if I wanted to..."

"My forbidden lover,

I don't want no other,

My forbidden lover,

I don't want no other"

Later on, they stopped at a small log cabin that they were going to rent for the weekend. Since Arch still felt very suspicious about the whole thing, he and R2 decided to lay a trap for the two lovebirds outside their door and see what would happen. So Arch and R2 spent the next five minutes arranging marbles on the ground, something from Nez's childhood.

"Thank you ever so much for helping me, R2." Archie-p0 said. "Now, to see what he's up to..."

The golden asparagus droid opened up the door, while a pink glow emerged from within. What he saw, was the most shocking thing of his life...

"Tell me something good

Tell me that you love me, yeah

Tell me something good

Tell me that you like it, yeah..."

"Ohh yeah baby..." Ne'zzakin moaned.

Archie-p0 was horrified.

"Tell me something good

Tell me that you love me, yeah

Tell me something good

Tell me that you like it, yeah..."

The golden droid immediately shut the door to the cabin, and breathed heavily.

"Oh, R2!" He exclaimed. "It's WORSE than I imagined!"

R2 beeped questionably, causing Archie-p0 to stutter considerably.

"W-w-WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT ARE THEY DOING?!" Arch exclaimed. "I SAW THEM IN THERE, HAVING S—"

"Hi, Arch!" N'ez shouted all of a sudden. "How—whu-WOOOOOAH!!"

Ne'z slipped on the millions and millions of marbles that the two droids set up, then landed on his back.

"Master N'ezzakin, I cannot allow you to go through with this!" Arch said. "You know that the Jedi code prevents you from having a relationship with someone like Miss—"

"Blah blah blah..." N'ezzakin said. "I'm a Jedi, Arch...it's not like it's gonna lead to havin' a baby...I'm a teenager now."

Ne'zzakin went back inside the cabin, leaving Arch very confused.


	3. Zam Weasel

"That was far too close." Obi said. "It could've been the real queen that died!"

"What do you suggest we do?" N'ezzakin asked.

"I believe I know exactly who this assassin is...Zam Weasel." Obi said.

"Hey!" N'ezzakin said. "Watch your language! Kids could be lookin' at this!"

"Sorry—but that really is her name." Obi replied. "Anyway, I know where to find her.

——————-

'It is you, oh yeah

It is you, oh yeah'

Neon lights flashed around the incredibly dark club while some ska song played on the loudspeakers.

Obi and N'ezzakin were seated at a small bar, Obi had simply ordered a scotch, while N'ezzakin managed to trick the bartender into giving him a strawberry daiquiri (despite his young age).

"That assassin's gotta be here somewhere..." Obi said.

'I said a pressure drop,

Oh pressure, oh yeah

Pressure's gonna drop on you

I said pressure drop

Oh pressure, oh yeah

Pressure's gonna drop on you'

Suddenly, a small pea gangsta came up to Obi while he was seated at the bar.

"You wanna buy some death sticks?!" He exclaimed in an ironically deep voice, given his size.

"You don't want to sell me death sticks..." said Obi, doing a Jedi mind trick.

"I don't wanna sell you death sticks.." the pea said in a monotone voice.

"You want to go home and call your mom, because it's been five years since you stopped." Obi continued.

"I want to go home and call my mom." The pea said. "It's been...five years since I saw her?"

The pea immediately left that part of the bar.

Meanwhile, a small leek was seen moving through the crowds of people in a relatively sneaky manner. Obi looked closely to find that her coat was embroidered with the letters "Z.W." on it.

"THAT'S HER!!" He shouted. "But how are we gonna get her?"

"I know." N'ezzakin said.

The cucumber picked up his strawberry daiquiri and flung it directly at Zam, causing her to knock over a record on the DJ table and play the record at a quicker speed than normal.

"Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk

I'm a woman's man, no time to talk

Music loud and women warm, I've been kicked around

Since I was born"

Everyone in the club cheered when the song came on, and began dancing, which trapped Zam Weasel in a crowd of various people.

"PERFECT!" Obi exclaimed. "Now let's go get her!"

"And now it's alright, it's okay

And you may look the other way

We can try to understand

The New York Times' effect on man

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother

You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'

And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive"

N'ezzakin and Obi stood up and dashed after the leek, until the crowd became far too thick for them to easily maneuver through.

"What do we do now?" Obi asked.

"I got it..." N'ezzakin cleared his throat. "...CROWD SUUUUUURF!!"

"Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive

Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive

Well now, I get low and I get high

And if I can't get either, I really try

Got the wings of heaven on my shoes

I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose"

Everyone cheered and lifted up N'ezzakin and Obi Wan until they once again cornered the leek.

"Zam Weasel...you gonna get POPPED!" N'ezzakin exclaimed.

A few seconds of silence passed as Weasel and Obi looked at N'ezzakin. The cucumber raised an eyebrow at this.

"What?" N'ezzakin said. "Okay, it was much cooler when I first thought of it."

"So..." Obi asked the leek woman. "Who was the assassin that slayed Cordé?"

"OKAY! I'll tell you.." Zam said. "It...was..."

The leek instantly fell to the ground in pain. A smoking wound was on her back, clearly from a blaster. Obi and N'ezzakin looked up to view a strange figure running away from the bar.

"Stay here..." Obi said. "I got this..."


	4. Fett Up

A small, ramshackle house lay in the distance of the desert. It had a few chicken coops and a well nearest it, but other than that, it was really nothing to be noticed. From within this hut, a door opened up, revealing a vegetable clad in strange armor. This of course, was Jango Fett, a Mandalorian carrot.

"Great day to bounty hunt..." he said, after giving a satisfied sigh.

"DADDY!!" Exclaimed a voice all of a sudden.

A small, boy carrot approached the older carrot. He wore a suit of Mandalorian armor much like his father, and was very excitable.

"Hello, Boba!" Jango smiled. "You wanna come with daddy?"

"Sure do!" Boba smiled widely.

"Well, alright, then, let's go!" Jango smiled.

The older carrot placed his child upon his back, and off they rode on his jet pack.

"Aw, YEAH!" Boba exclaimed.

—————

Obi-Wan dashed through the desert as quickly as his little, grape body could carry him. Eventually, he stopped, and looked around.

"Well..." a voice said. "Greetings, mister Kenobi..."

"Jango Fett." Obi said. "What are you doing here?!"

"There's a bounty on you, my good man.." the carrot said. "And I have come to collect it."

"YEAH!" Boba exclaimed, emerging from behind Jango.

"Is that your—" Obi started.

"Yeah, I'm doing like a "bring your kids to work" kinda thing—whatever." Jango pulled out his blaster. "Now let's do this like Brutus, old man!"

Obi unsheathed his lightsaber and stood, ready to battle.

'No, you're never gonna get it

Never ever gonna get it (no, not this time)

No, you're never gonna get it (my love)'

With every shot that Jango shot at Obi, he would block it with his lightsaber.

"YEAH, GET HIM, DADDY!" Little Boba happily exclaimed.

'Never ever gonna get it

No, you're never gonna get it

Never ever gonna get it (no, not this time)'

Obi blocked Jango's gun blasts and flipped into the air, chopping his blaster in HALF!

"Gggggrrrrrggh..." Jango said. "BOBA! GET HIM!"

'No, you're never gonna get it (my love)

Never ever gonna get it'

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!" Boba Fett launched himself high into the air and onto Obi Wan.

The little carrot bit down on Obi, extremely hard, causing Obi's eyes to widen.

"WHY YOU LITTLE!!" Obi yelled. "GET OFFA ME!"

'I remember how it used to be

You never was this nice, you can't fool me

Now you talkin' like you made a change

The more you talk, the more things sound the same'

Finally, Obi had managed to toss the annoying little Boba off the skiff and onto the sands. He and Jango went back at it again, this time with fisticuffs.

"HAAAAAA!!" Boba immediately flung himself back onto the skiff.

"You just DON'T GIVE UP, DO YA?!" Obi exclaimed, trying to hold the child back.

'What makes you think you can just walk back into her life

Without a good fight? Oh'

"Go for the jugular, son!" Jango exclaimed. "The jugular!"

"SHUT UP DAD!" Boba exclaimed. "I know what I'm doing!"

"BOBA TEA FETT DO NOT USE THAT LANGUAGE WITH ME!" Jango replied, grabbing his son by the ear.

'I just sit back and watch you make a fool of yourself

Cuz you're just wasting your time, oh

No, you're never gonna get it (not this time)'

"You know, I have TRIED to be nice with you, young man!" Jango exclaimed to his son while at the same time socking Obi Wan in the jaw. "You're GROUNDED!"

"AW, @!" Boba exclaimed.

'Never ever gonna get it (my lovin')

No, you're never gonna get it (had your chance to make a change)

Never ever gonna get it'

"Dha...werda verda..." Obi said before completely passing out in the middle of the desert.

——————

Meanwhile, N'ezzakin was facing his own adversaries—he had heard through the Lite Vinaigrette that back on Tatooine, his mom had just been kidnapped by Tusken Raiders! He knew he had to save her, so he went into action...

"—LAY OFF MY MOM, YOU FREEEEEEEEEEAKS!!" N'ezzakin exclaimed, wielding his lightsaber and chopping the Tusken Raiders to bits.

"Oh, honey, thank goodness you're here..." Shmi sighed in relief.

"I love you, mommy!" N'ezzakin said, rushing over to hug his long-lost mother. "YIPPIEEEEE!!"

The cucumber teenager had left a whole path of carnage during his time back on his home planet. Later on, he actually started to feel quite guilty for all the bloodshed he'd committed.


	5. Battles and Politics

(Oriental-style music plays)

The forests were calm. Birds chirped, a nearby spring was rushing, dotted with millions upon millions of small fish. A rock began to strangely float into the air, and one would notice that the rock had now become a part of a massive atom-like bunch of rocks that Rey was controlling through her mind. Rey was also floating in mid-air, while tiny little GG-8 was watching.

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..." Rey chanted continuously. "Be with me be with me be with me be with meeeeeee..."

Then, Rey opened her eyes. The rocks she was moving dropped to the floor.

"...it's not with me." Rey replied.

Immediately she fell, flat on her face.

Rey got up, and walked over towards Leia, who was filing her non-existent nails.

"Is Kabob still bothering you?" Leia asked.

"Yes..." Rey grumbled. "He's rude, controlling, obsessive, and a year ago, he sent me this embarrassing thing..."

Rey pulled out a large, pink card with her drawn in a suggestive fashion. Written in loopy, dark pink handwriting, was "COME BACK REY!". The card started to play a little jingle with Kabob's voice recorded as well.

("Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" Instrumental)

"IF, your name is Re-y,

AND ya really sexy,

COME on down and gimmie a SMOOCH!!"

"—you see what I mean?" Rey replied.

"Well, seeing as you're troubled," Leia said. "Why don't you go run the training course I set up for you again? It'll do wonders for your endorphins.."

"SURE THING!!" Rey exclaimed. She did love running that course.

Rey ran off to go start her training session again. Leia looked at the card again, making it say "IF-IF-IF-IF—" over and over again.

"One way or another, I'm gonna find ya

I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya

One way or another, I'm gonna win ya

I'm gonna get ya, get ya ,get ya, get ya

One way or another, I'm gonna see ya

I'm gonna meet ya, meet ya, meet ya, meet ya

One day, maybe next week, I'm gonna meet ya

I'm gonna meet ya, I'll meet ya"

Rey walked quickly across a narrow branch over a large cliff: she was mindful of the drop below, but she still effortlessly blocked some lasers that a practice ball droid was producing with its lasers.

"I will drive past your house

And if the lights are all down

I'll see who's around"

She leapt off the branch, flipping at least three times, and landed on the other side of the crevasse with absolute skill.

"One way or another, I'm gonna find ya

I'm gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya

One way or another, I'm gonna win ya

I'll get ya, I'll get ya

One way or another, I'm gonna see ya

I'm gonna meet ya, meet ya, meet ya, meet ya"

Rey leapt up onto a tree in slow-motion, grabbed a red flag, and zoomed back down in record speed. GG-8 was having a very hard time keeping up with her rapid pace.

"One day, maybe next week, I'm gonna meet ya

I'll meet ya, ah

And if the lights are all out

I'll follow your bus downtown

See who's hangin' out"

After a little while with practicing on the small robot, Rey began to sense a strange presence that she hadn't felt yet today. She tossed her lightsaber off to the side, missing the practice droid.

"One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya

I'm gonna give you the slip

A slip of the hip or another, I'm gonna lose ya

I'm gonna trick ya, I'll trick ya"

However, she summoned a stick using the Lite Vinaigrette, and impaled the practice droid into the side of a tree. Then, she sliced the tree, along with the practice droid.

"One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya

I'm gonna trick ya, trick ya, trick ya, trick ya

One way or another, I'm gonna lose ya

I'm gonna give you the slip"

GG-8 started wildly beeping and moving around. Rey opened her eyes and looked behind her.

"Oh.." Rey said, upon noticing that a tree fell on the poor little droid. "Sorry!"

"HEY, REY!!" A mango resistance soldier called. "FINN'S BACK!!"

"Finn?" Rey exclaimed. She smiled, and pulled the tree off GG-8, running back to the base.

——————————

The Millennium Falcon showed up at the Resistance base...on fire.

Millions and millions of Resistance members crowded around the Falcon, but Chewie rushed through, holding R2 Pea2.

"*GLLLLLWWRAAAAGH!!*" Chewie exclaimed. "*MRH, MWRN BAGH!*"

(*"Alright, MAKE A HOLE, PEOPLE! Oh, my poor BABY!"*)

Chewie pressed a button on R2, which made him immediately sprout a fire extinguisher from his head. He moved R2 in a sweeping motion, until the fire was off of the Falcon. He gave a sigh of relief, then fainted.

Meanwhile, Finn ran over and embraced Rey.

"What happened?!" Rey asked him.

"Well, Poe here decided to Light-speed jump..." Finn grumbled. "And you can see where THAT got us.."

"HEY!" Poe exclaimed. "I, SAVED your BUTTS back there! So maybe—"

"YOU GUYS!" Rey exclaimed, separating the two from about to fight. "Just STOP it! I thought you were friends!"

"...oh.." Finn looked at Poe, and they hugged.

"REY!" Leia exclaimed. "POE! FINN!! I GOT A MISSION FOR YOU GUYS!!"

The three instantly ran over to Leia, who turned on a hologram.

"Apparently, Ol' Pulpatine has decided to rise from the grave once more and attempt to put the entire galaxy under his moldy fingers once again." Leia spoke. "We need you guys to find this Jedi artifact called a "Wayfinder" at once!"

"How do we locate it?" Rey asked.

"I know a guy that can help you kids out..." Leia smiled. "...Lando."

"NO WAY!" Poe said. "THE Lando Calrissian?! That guy is AWESOME!"

"Yes, yes I understand." Leia said. "Your assignment is to go out there and locate him...and bring Arch with you."

"Arch?!" Rey said.

"Yes." The golden asparagus droid said. "I have decided that I am coming with you..."

"But, aren't you all "etiquette and protocol""? Poe asked.

At that moment, a laser blast fired almost at Rey and Poe, except it it a target on a nearby wall perfectly. Archie-p0 blew the smoke, twirled his gun around like a gunslinger, and placed it into a belt that he was now wearing.

""Etiquette and protocol" THIS!" Arch exclaimed with glee.

"Okay." Poe said. "You're HIRED!"


	6. Yoga v Sudoku

Yoga waited in a dark alley on the other side of the stadium for something to occur.

Suddenly, the light of a red lightsaber started to illuminate his path.

It was Sudoku's, of course.

"Fiiiiiirre," sang Sudoku in a low voice. "(bum bum bum, bum bum bum), Aw, Fiiiiiiire..."

Yoga approached the man, baring his lightsaber.

"The way you WALK!" Sudoku exclaimed, punctuating his sentences by swiping his lightsaber at Yoga. "AND TALK! REALLY SETS ME OFF!"

Yoga leapt into the air and approached Sudoku from his left.

"The way you SQUEEZE!" Sudoku exclaimed, baring his lightsaber once again. "AND TEASE! KNOCKS ME TO MY KNEES, cause I'm smokin', baby..."

Yoga flipped high into the air once more and landed on Sudoku's head, making him very confused and mad at the little grape.

"GET OFF ME!!" He screamed, trying to impale Yoga.

"No!" Yoga exclaimed, a smug grin upon his green face.

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!" Sudoku exclaimed and tossed the little grape off his body.

Yoga then flipped once more, and pinned Sudoku down, complete with Lite-Vinaigrette choking.

"Gak! Agh! Hnmmnnf!" Sudoku choked out.

Just as Yoga was about to completely kill him, Sudoku pressed a button on a set of car keys, which made his skiff show up. He jumped on it and rode away, yelling,

"THE JEDI WILL FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!!"


	7. Epilogue:

The Church of the Holy Lite Vinaigrette was closed off that day to anyone else, because of the wedding that was taking place.

Roses lined the pews along with white ribbons.

Space doves flew about, and bells were ringing within the church.

N'ezzakin stood at the front of the altar, clad in a black tuxedo. His hair was pulled back nicely, and Arch and R2 sat down in one of the pews closest to the front.

"Oh, human matrimony is just so beautiful..." Arch said, tying his red bow tie to his neck. "Isn't it, R2?"

"(*Bleee-boo-bo-weeee!*)" R2 said as Arch tied a bow tie on him as well.

"HOW DARE YOU!!" Arch exclaimed. "It is NOT "Sissy Stuff!""

Then, after the vows were said between the two of them, N'ezzakin and Padmé kissed. Arch and R2 clapped, but Arch was quite weary of what would occur next.

——————

After the wedding, N'ezzakin had a ceremony of his own to go to...

A ceremony that took place within a darkened building a few miles away from his honeymoon suite.

"Ah," Emperor Pulpatine said. "Isn't it a beautiful day when a boy becomes a man...or, when a Jedi becomes a Sith. Congratulations..."

Pulpatine sliced N'ezzakin's Jedi braid from his head with his lightsaber.

"...Darth...Verdura."

N'ezzakin looked up at Pulpatine with glowing, yellow eyes. He gave a large grin.

"This new name shall serve me well..." he spoke. "...master."

End.

Songs:

My Forbidden Lover

(Chic)

Pressure Drop

(The Maytals)

Stayin' Alive

(Bee Gees)

My Lovin'

(En Vogue)

Take on Me

(Ska version, Reel Big Fish)

Fire

(Ohio Players, sung by Sudoku)


End file.
